> whoami

Lao Zhu_

老朱

role: credit_quant_trader @ BARCLAYS
location: SHANGHAI → PARIS → LONDON → SINGAPORE
balance: badminton ×2 / week
fuel: green_tea(day) | beer(night)
owned_by: [DOUDOU, BOBO, COCO]

laozhu.jpg✓

// personnel_file

subject: LAO ZHU

base: SINGAPORE

spawned: 1994

root@home: denied — see bosses ↓

BOSSES AT HOME

DOTA2 HOURS

2×

BADMINTON / WEEK

∞

CUPS OF TEA

STATUS: ONLINE ★UPTIME: 32Y ★LATENCY: LOW (SGP) ★MARRIED TO SPREADSHEETS ★ROOT ACCESS: DENIED (SEE DOUDOU) ★CACHE: GREEN TEA ★MOOD: HOOKED (PUDGE) ★

> cat timeline.log

System Log

1994 SPAWN.SH — born in Shanghai. build stable since day one

2005–12 SFLS.SH — seven years at Shanghai Foreign Language School

2012–18 PARIS.FR — six years in France: 2y Lycée Janson de Sailly → 4y École Centrale Paris. baguettes compiled successfully

2019 BARCLAYS.LDN — credit quant desk, London. spreads & curves

2021 BOBO.ATTACH — first British Shorthair onboarded, London office

2023 RELOCATE.SGP — Barclays Singapore. humidity: 100%, regrets: 0

2025 COCO.ATTACH ×2 — second cat joins. fur risk now fully unhedged

2025.04 DOUDOU.SPAWN ★ — daughter arrives. root access granted immediately

> ls ./photos --collage

Photo Wall

[ badminton.jpg ]

[ travel.jpg ]

[ family.jpg ]

[ cats_fighting.jpg ]

[ singapore.jpg ]

[ anything.jpg ]

// send me photos and I'll drop them into the empty tiles

> top — household processes, sorted by authority

The Bosses

doudou 兀兀

PID 001 · b. 2025.04 · CPU 99% · root

Mischievous, adorable, in charge. Everyone else in this house is staff.

bobo

PID 002 · brit shorthair · est. 2021 LDN

Senior cat. Fights his brother daily, then naps on your keyboard. Very sweet, very clingy.

[ coco solo shot ]

coco

PID 003 · brit shorthair · est. 2025 SGP

Junior cat. Instigates the fights, loses the fights, still purrs at bedtime.

> ./run leisure --all

Off Duty

proc_01

BADMINTON

Twice a week, every week. Footwork on court, hedges off it.

proc_02

GREEN TEA 绿茶

Chinese only: 龍井 · 碎蛇春 · 耐芽. The real desk fuel — coffee not found.

proc_03

FORMULA 1

Sunday religion. Favourite driver: Oscar. Calm laps, cold blood.

proc_04

DOTA 2

5000+ hours. Pudge main — fresh meat since forever. Hooks land more often than not.

proc_05 · new

BUILDING W/ CLAUDE

Latest hobby: shipping projects with Claude. Feels like leading a 20-person tech team — except nobody argues back. This site is exhibit A.

proc_06 · after 18:00

BEER

The close-of-play ritual. Preferably cold, preferably shared.

Lao Zhu_

System Log

Photo Wall

The Bosses

Off Duty

Say Hi